Christmas Market

THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS CAME TO ME LIKE LITTLE BULLETS. I COULD FEEL THE THRONG AROUND ME AS IF I WAS IN A VACUUM. THE CROWD CHEERED AND PUSHED ITS WAY THROUGH THE HAZE IN MY HEAD. MY EYES FLUTTERED AND I REGAINED MY VISION. THE LOCAL FOLKS' REDDENED FACES BEAMED, CHINS HELD UP IN CLOUDS OF CHRISTMAS JINGLES AND SMELLS OF MULLED WINE AND HOTDOGS. WHAT THE FUCK? I TORE MY GAZE AND STARED INTO THE DARKNESS WHERE THE ROAD HAD CLOSED OFF.

I COULD FEEL THE COOL BREEZE, HOW IT SCRAPED THE SKIN OF MY BODY, CHILLED MY JOINTS AND FILLED MY BONES WITH FIRE. IT BUZZED ACROSS MY BROW, INTO MY SOCKETS. I FOUND MYSELF WEAVING THROUGH STRANGERS AS IF I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. MY EYES KEPT INVOLUNTARILY CRAWLING PAST FACES, THE GRINNING JAGS OF ADULTS AND THEIR CHILDREN, A SLEW OF FLESH, AND WHAT, COULD I DO ABOUT THAT? EVERY STEP WAS A STRUGGLE, EACH BREATH WAS A STRUGGLE. I WAS AT MY WEAKEST. WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT THAT?

I HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I REMEMBERED SPIT, BUT NOT QUITE VENOMOUS. THERE IS COMFORT IN KNOWING IT WASN'T ENOUGH TO POOL AT MY FEET. I FELT THE BUCKLE OF TWO HANDS BRUSH AGAINST MY OWN. I SAW A CHILD PLAYFULLY PRESS INTO THE SMALL OF THEIR SIBLING'S BACK. I WATCHED A MAN PUSH HIS PARTNER'S HAIR OUT OF THEIR EYES. I STOOD IN THE MIDST OF THE BEATING HEART OF A NEW END. IT WAS THE CRUELEST OF COMFORTS, AND ALL I COULD DO. WAS. STAND. AND. BREATHE. LIKE. NOTHING. EVER. HAPPENED. AND. SMILE. AND. EAT. A. SANDWICH.

THE MASSED SOUNDS DULLED, THOSE OF CHILDREN AND OF GLEE, TO QUIET CLICKS AND WHINES AND WHIRLS. THE GLOW LEFT THE STREETS AND RAN DOWN MY FRAME LIKE A WET CLOTH. THE REMAINING HEAT LEFT MY BODY. I FELT, I FELT, I FELT, I FELT SOMETHING RISE IN MY THROAT BUT I WAS COMFORTABLE. I KICKED OFF MY BOOTS AND PEELED OFF MY SOCKS AND DUG MY KNEES INTO THE PAVEMENT. I THOUGHT I WAS LAUGHING BUT I WAS SCREAMING. I DID SOMETHING BAD. COME UNTO ME, UNDERNEATH WHAT LEFT GLIMMERS, A THOUSAND WAILS THROUGHOUT MY BODY, THEN NOTHING MORE. -andy